(pictured, my sister Brianna, posing in front of Ariel, 1994)
Isn’t that an overwhelmingly sweet picture of my older sister, Brianna? Her outfit is adorable- a painstakingly 90’s ensemble, and it would not be complete without her headband. Behind her, Ariel is struck by her beauty.
Ok, let’s get real. Brianna is four years older than me- the perfect age tormenting gap. I’m gonna list every terrible thing Brianna has done to me in our precious childhood years. Has your older sister ever done any of this crap to you??
- Made fun of me on the bus along with her other super older, super cooler friends. Including laughing at me when I talked to myself or whispered the word “condensation” super creepily as I stroked the frosted window one winter.
- Pinned me down by sitting on me when I threatened to tattle on her
- Held scissors up to my favorite bear, Pinky’s, neck. I mean, really- I carried this bear around with me literally everywhere. He was probably my best friend. I walk into my room and find she has taken him hostage with a pair of rusty scissors open at his fragile neck. This kidnapper didn’t even want any ransom- there was nothing I could do. I screamed and cried till one of our parents showed up and saved Pinky.
- Kept the remote control in her lap and screamed at me when I tried to take it away. Sometimes a girl just has to take a break from The Real World and watch Rugrats.
- Slapped me when I beat her at video games. This was a little later in our career as sisters, but it still counts. I can’t help it I’m so much better at “Disney Party” than you.
- Made me answer to this sick, sick, scenario: Our family is aboard the Titanic. It hits the iceberg and begins to sink. Mom is safe in a lifeboat, but Dad has to stay aboard the ship. Knowing they will be separated forever, who would you stay with? I mean, come on. I had just watched Titanic for the first time and I couldn’t handle the fictional scenario between Jack and Rose, and now she has me choosing between my parents! I cried and cried and cried and refused to answer, even when she told me I absolutely had to. I don’t know what became of this and I still don’t like to think about it.
- Excluded me when she had her cool friends over. No, what was worse than the exclusion were those times when she’d e overly affectionate to me around her friends. She would pinch my cheeks or, god forbid, pat my butt. This usually ended up with me displaying some physical violence. This still happens.
- Told me I was an accident
- Never forgave me for breaking the Operation game or various other toys that belonged to her
- Subsequently never letting me play with any of her toys again (I never meant to break them)
- Making me watch movies that give me nightmares to this day, like Interview with a Vampire and Scream. I’m not joking when I say those movies screwed me up. I still can’t look at Tom Cruise without screaming.
But, she looks cute in that picture, right??